Posted on April 22nd, 2015
A critical incident occurred and now I don’t know who I am on the other side of it. I don’t know who I am supposed to be. I feel on the precipice and I’m not sure what to choose. In the fog of fear and grief and regret, I am questioning pretty much every decision I’ve ever made. Wondering if my life is focused on all the wrong things. How can I think/talk/write about self-care and living your dreams when this other scary, saddening thing is going on at the same time? Have I been devoting my life to all the wrong things, to trivial things?
This is not the first time these questions have pulled at my heart. I am aware of my privilege, aware that my life could’ve turned out much differently than it has were it not for the resources around me and within me. I see people struggling with addiction or homelessness and I think, “That could be me.” I know I have a lengthy roster of risk factors and I wonder, “Why me? Why was I spared? Why do I get to live this amazing, abundant life?” I feel equal parts guilty about and driven to use my good fortune. There is a voice in my head that tells me I’m not doing enough to help others, that says because of my happiness I owe the world something more.
Then words I read somewhere recently come to mind: I cannot be sick enough to make you well. I cannot be sad enough to make you happy. I cannot be poor enough to make you rich. I cannot suffer enough to alleviate your suffering.
And I remember – the best thing I can do for all the people I love, which includes all beings everywhere on my best days, is to elevate my own soul. To do my inner work, raise my own vibration, find peace within myself. Self-care and self-love are anything but trivial – I truly believe these practices will change the world. I remember that my callings, whether they be teaching about Badass Self-Care or volunteering at the local women’s shelter, come from the divine within me. Honoring the whispers of my soul is giving back to the world. I cannot suffer enough to alleviate your suffering but finding peace within myself may help you find peace within yourself. And so I will carry on doing my work.